Laws of Team Fortress 2

Laws of Team Fortress 2
Topic Started: Jun 4 2009, 09:34 PM (295 Views)
WelcomingGrave	Jun 4 2009, 09:34 PM Post #1
The BanHammer of Justice Posts: 81 Group: \|NG²\| Elite Member #3 Joined: May 30, 2009	So while browsing the official forums I came upon this little gem http://forums.steampowered.com/forums/showthread.php?t=827068 and decided to repost it here. Enjoy the natural laws of TF2. Easily overlooked, yet they are all around us. "The one player you fail to check will invariably be the Spy you are looking for." ~ FixIt's Law of Thorough Examination. "The longer a player remains alive, the probability of dying due to random occurrence approaches 1." ~ FixIt's Law of Unexpected Misfortune. "Anything that can go wrong, will—everyone will know about it, and assume it to be your fault." ~ FixIt's Corollary to Murphy's Law. "If all appears to be going well, you have overlooked something." ~ FixIt's Law of Uncertain Success. "Your chance of dying as a Medic scales linearly with your ubercharge percentage." ~ Kuiper's Law of Premature Expiration "No matter what class you are, you will scream at the sight of a crit." ~ Daedric's Law of Critting Your Pants. "You will always be one second too far away to unsap that Sentry." Bob's Law of Spatial Relations. "No matter how far behind a wall you may be, that laggy Sniper will still get you." ~ Rice's Law of Ragequit. "The likelihood of firing a Critical Hit is inversely proportional to the usefulness in the situation at hand." ~ Rhiawhyn's First Law of Critical Misses "The likelihood of firing a Critical Hit increases exponentially when spychecking allies and open air." ~ Rhiawhyn's Second Law of Critical Misses. "Should you find yourself on a team that possesses no ability whatsoever to co-ordinate, work together or function properly, switching teams will drastically increase the chance of them suddenly becoming godlike in their teamwork" ~ Morgae's First Law of Teamstacking "The above law also works backwards. Should you face a heavily co-ordinated team that always wins every match, switching teams will always result in the sudden loss of said teamwork and complete idiot-ification." ~ Morgae's Second Law of Teamstacking "The two above laws will most probably happen at the same time" ~ Morgae's Third Law of Teamstacking "The lower an opponent's health, the likelihood of scoring a critical hit on them approaches 1." ~ Grunteh's Law of Overkill. "Whether you think you made it behind the wall or not is inconsequential; the server's opinion is the only one that matters, and she is a harsh mistress." - Beastman's Law of Lag Compensation "It isn't paranoia if it has a nemesis flag." ~ Sud's Law of Attention Towards Domination "The odds of directly hitting a target with a Demoman's grenade are proportional to the amount of damage doing so would cause you." ~ Korb's Law of Demolitions "Criticals shot at point-blank are guaranteed to hit, for better or worse." ~ Corollary to Korb's Law of Demolitions "Your patient will ignore almost every Pyro, Scout, or Spy who goes after you, so long as they don't directly antagonize said patient." ~ Mentality's corollary to Clark's Law. "Should you attempt to turtle as an Engineer, the enemy team will stop engaging your Sentry altogether after a few kills (until they have an Ubercharge). Should an opposing Engineer try to turtle, your team will feed constant kills to it." ~ Mentality's 1st Law of Double Standards. "Should you want to play a class (with consideration to how many your team already has), especially Sniper or Spy, conditions will always change to become unfavorable directly after you switch"~ Mentality's Law of Sticking to Soldier or Medic "Regardless of how many Snipers your team may have, the competent one on the other team will still outclass them comically." ~ Mentality's Orange Law. "Regardless of how careful you may be, there could always be a Pyro right around the corner." ~ Mentality's Law of Inevitability "No matter how good the spy, the ping will always win." - Howl's Law of Latency-Over-Skill "Your chance of dying as a Medic scales exponentially with your Ubercharge percentage." ~ Buffbod's corollary to Kuiper's Law "First on the point doesn't mean the last on the point." ~ Jarhead(M)'s Law of Serving The Greater Good. "The average skill of a player is assumed to be inversely proportional to the volume of their boasting." ~ FixIt's Law of Hot Air. "When the number of support classes exceeds the number of attack classes, the probability of winning drops in proportion to the number of Snipers." ~ ZombieC's Law of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot "Your opponents chance of critting you scales directly with how close he is to dominating you" -Spykill3r's law of unfair domination "A fully charged medic will always have 1 more health than you need to kill him." ~ Spykill3r's First Law of Situational Endurance "Conversely, you will always have 1 less health than you will need to survive that rocket when fully charged." ~ Spykill3r's Second Law of Situational Endurance "The quality of a spy's contribution to a team's war effort is inversely proportional to the number of spies on that team." ~ Exocet's Law of Scaled Maximum Efficiency "Becoming MVP will result in half your team choosing your class." -Cap'm's First Law of "Why The Hell Do We Have Three Spies?" "The medic you're stalking will turn around and will oneshot you with a crit ubersaw mere seconds before you stab." -The Law of "Why Do Those Things Crit So Damn Much." "Great killing sprees always end in faceplants." ~ Kompressor's Law of The Hero's Fall. FlyGuy's Laws of Pyrodynamics: While on fire, the distance between you and the medipack will approach, but never equal, 0. While on fire, the chances of someone not on fire reaching the medkit will invariably approach 1. The respawn time on any given medkit can be written as Td+.0001 where Td is the time of death. "All other things being equal, when multiple bodies are on the same teleporter entrance, the body that benefits the least from teleportation will be the one that is teleported." ~ Exocet's Law of Teleport Stealing "The instant the gates open for you to Uber-rush, a Sniper will take your head off" Monkfish's law of One foot out the gate and the other in the grave. "The odds of getting the Hadouken to work are inversly proportional to how much you are trying." Monkfish's law of Holy crap no one saw that!? "the chances of a successful sap increase when either A: your team is on the OTHER side of the wall or B: your team followed you in Ubercharged but was airblasted away as you aproached your intended target" -AFellowPlayer's Law of Where did you guys go? "the chance of a successful Uber increases Exponentially when A: a Pyro lights you on fire and the enemy team is elsewhere or B: no-one but you is around to uber and a spy just stabbed your patient" -AFellowPlayer's Law of (un)successful Ubercharges "The Spy your chasing as Pyro/Scout has a 99.99% chance to circle-strafe you and stab you and a 0.01% chance of crit revolvering you" -AFellowPlayer's Law of GET BACK HERE "When on fire as a Scout, the chances of you reaching the nearest Medic and calling out to him soars while the chances of him healing you plummets to 0 and you die burning" -AFellowPlayer's Law of Pyroclastic Emergency "a spy will always have a 100% chance to be caught by the engineer when dispenser camping with cloak on" -AFellowPlayer's Law of dispenser rashes "It is a mathematical certainty that the enemy you are trying to circumnavigate while cloaked will strafe randomly into you, regardless of initial conditions." -Sushbag's Law of Illogical Movement "The chance of successfully stalking and backstabbing an opponent (Referred as Y) decreases geometrically by the amount of success one believes the backstab will land unnoticed (Referred as X). X with therefore be on a scale of 1 (Being "WTF the instant I stab this person they will turn around and that level 3 sentry will own me) and 10 (Being "OMG I'm so about to stab and sap this engineer that's been single-handedly keeping the final point at bay from my comrades")." ~Ai's Law of Perpetual Failstab's. "The Distance between you and your potential back stab victim is Inversely proportionate to the chance of them turning around for no reason" Katheb's Law of Erratic Movement "Whenever you try to eat a Sandvich near the combat zone God will send a Pyro to hadouken you" Rice's Law of Bacon "When you're on a roll, enjoying the game, and just finished a fantastic round - quit. The next game will be so rubbish you'll want to kill yourself." ~ Maniac's Law of 'Quit While You're Ahead' "A Scout's health is inversely proportional to how erratically he will move when you try to get your medibeam on him." - Matt's Law of ADD Scouts "The farther a Spy is to infiltrating the enemy, the probability a Pyro will move erratically toward said Spy approaches 1." ~ Spaz's Law of Pyro-tational Gravity The second crit rocket will always follow the first. Cryhavoc's Law of Consistent Criticals "The more explosives are in the air at once, the more likely it is you are playing 2fort" ~ Cryhavoc's Law of Suppressive Partially-Accurate Munitions (S.P.A.M.) "Around each and every corner there may or may not be an enemy Pyro. We cannot determine which corners do and do not hide Pyros without sending a conscious observer to investigate. However, in defiance of conventional logic, the Pyro is simultaneously present and and absent from all corners, and it is only after choosing a path at half health while reloading that the universe will retroactively manifest the Pyro in our face." ~ Schrödinger's Pyro (as postulated by Voyager I) The chance of scoring a sequential critical hit is inversely proportional to the amount nearby enemy players. ~ P.M.'s Law of Unfortunate Fortune The sound of a Sandvich is more enticing than that of a Minigun. ~ P.M.'s Law of Least Resistance "The probability of a teammate causing your target to turn around increases exponentially the closer you get to the target's back." ~Cooliosis' Law of Unfortunate Rotation The better the situation, the more likely your counter-class will show up and kill you before you do any damage. R.O.B.'s Law of Counter-Classes The more obscure a path you take as a Spy, the more likely there is to be a Pyro who is spychecking the air. R.O.B.'s Law of Spycheck Hotspots The enemy will fire more criticals than you, happen to be your counter-class more often, will find newly spawned health kits more than you, and receive more wandering backup than you. R.O.B.'s Law of Enemy's Luck "The more effort put into crafting a cunning stickybomb trap, the less likely an enemy will take the path it protects." ~ FixIt's Law of Undetonated Inspiration. "When setting up as an engineer, you will invariably run out of metal at 175/200 when the opposition reaches your position." ~ Jdh's Law of Not Near Enough "Your newly-built ambush Sentry will invariably fire one shot at a passing Scout while you are upgrading it, causing you to run out of metal at 199/200. When you run to the nearest ammo box, an enemy will walk into your trap, survive because it is only Level 1, and destroy it." ~ Voyager I's First Corollary to jdh's Law. "In the event that you do manage to get your Sentry to Level 2 or higher, it will be sapped by an enemy Spy before killing any opponents while you are elsewhere hiding a Teleporter." ~ Voyager I's Second Corollary to jdh's Law. "If you are able to upgrade it in complete safety, an enemy will destroy your Sentry Gun while it is upgrading and unable to fire." ~ R.O.B.'s Corollary to jdh's Law. "When under heavy fire, your patient will inevitably die just before you engage uber." -Kinrah's Law of Wasted Ubers "The next target you pick up to uber will be an enemy Spy." -Corollary to Kinrah's Law of Wasted Ubers "As the number of Pyros on your team decreases, the probability you will be overrun by Spies approaches 1." -Kinrah's Law of Anti-Spychecking "If you have more points than anyone else, you will be accused of hacking." -Kinrah's Law of 'That Demo Has An Aimbot' "The higher you get on a rocket jump, the probability you will be airblasted and fall to your death approaches 1." -Kinrah's First Law of Airblasting "If you have a critical rocket, a Pyro will blast it back into your face." -Kinrah's Second Law of Airblasting "You will have the unlock that is most inappropriate for the situation at all times." -Kinrah's Law of Loadouts "After you have set up and upgraded a level 3 dispenser and teleporter, a teammate will open the one-way gate and you will be overrun by a sea of pyros." -dk0's Law of Perfect Timing The chance of being backstabbed/headshotted is directly proportional to the length of your killing spree. - Dark's Corollary to FixIt's Law of Unexpected Misfortune. "the point at which your medic pops a kritzkrieg charge on you is always equal to the point at which an enemy medic pops an ubercharge on their target ~ Zoidberg's Law of Uber-Kritz Equilibrium "You all fail, regardless of the amount of win you may or may not possess." ~ 'Announcer's Law' "No enemy will be there the moment you get First Blood." ~ 'Nonomu's Law of First Blood' "The time it takes you to drink an energy drink and find cover before you die will allways be one second too late." ~ 'Nonomu's Law of Energy Drinks'



Eternal	Jun 4 2009, 09:56 PM Post #2
Posts: 59 Group: \|NG²\| Members Member #4 Joined: May 30, 2009	Nice stuff. Very true. I went an added a couple: You will always have too many of one class and not enough of another - Eternal's First Law of Peer Pressure Invariably the class you will have too many of is pyro - Eternal's Second law of Peer Pressure It is equally as likely that the class you will not have enough of is medic - Eternal's Third law of Peer Pressure No matter how good they make the flamethrower, a large percentage of players will still prefer the backburner. - Eternal's Conundrum. Edited by Eternal, Jun 4 2009, 10:01 PM.



Bill900	Jun 5 2009, 12:41 PM Post #3
Beautiful. Posts: 98 Group: Admins Member #1 Joined: May 28, 2009	The chance someone on the other team will switch to pyro and spend the entire round looking for you increases exponentially in relation to how well you are doing as spy. -Bill's law of RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE
	Stats page at: http://ng2.hlstatsx.com/


[1]	Jun 5 2009, 01:16 PM Post #4
The Sexy Medic Posts: 33 Group: \|NG²\| Members Member #6 Joined: May 30, 2009	The chances of a Scout with 90% picking THE healthkit that you need while you are a flamming Medic is inversely related to your current health. -[1]'s Law of Canada Sucks The chances of your net bugging out is varies directly with how much you need to not die.-[1]'s Law of Fuck my Net When playing on the NG² server, bigsweatymen = 1. No exception.-Bill's Law of the Barn. When playing on the NG² server while NG members are present, expect to be asked if you have "heard the word".-\|NG²\|'s First Law of Supporting Players with Amusing Music (S.P.A.M.) Edited by [1], Jun 5 2009, 01:49 PM.
	I am fully charged. Who wants my load?


Eternal	Jun 5 2009, 06:35 PM Post #5
Posts: 59 Group: \|NG²\| Members Member #4 Joined: May 30, 2009	The chance for you to be backstabed as a sniper is directly proportional to how close you were to getting a headshot when it happened. - The "I had you" law The more important your next sticky is, the higher the probability that it will hit a physics prop and be rendered useless. - The Law of One Eyed Aiming



Ki\|\|BoX	Jun 6 2009, 08:28 AM Post #6
Assault Medic Posts: 15 Group: \|NG²\| Members Member #17 Joined: Jun 1, 2009	mwahahahaha The chance of beating another sniper invariably aiming at you the second the gates open, is not base on skill but rather solely contingent on ping and the amount of alcohol one or both of you have consumed. -Kills Law of Don't You Dare Wave at Me You Sober Bastard.



WelcomingGrave	Jun 6 2009, 02:54 PM Post #7
The BanHammer of Justice Posts: 81 Group: \|NG²\| Elite Member #3 Joined: May 30, 2009	Alltalk servers bring in the lulz. ~Grave's Law of "Show me your moves!" In the event that a single person hates alltalk server and votes for it off the vote will never succeed. Never. ~Grave's First Law of "I fucking hate alltalk" When the above law takes place, except CottenEye Joe to be spammed in your ear. ~Grave's Second Law of "I fucking hate alltalk" CottenEye Joe will never get old. ~Grave's Law of "If it hadn't been..." The mute button is for pussies and communist. ~ Grave's Law of "The uncaring mute"



Eternal	Jun 7 2009, 02:26 PM Post #8
Posts: 59 Group: \|NG²\| Members Member #4 Joined: May 30, 2009	Backing away from someone trying to melee you will cause their arms to grow at a rate equal to or greater than the speed you are running - Eternal's Theory of 30ft melees.



Sephith	Jun 7 2009, 11:26 PM Post #9
Posts: 64 Group: \|NG²\| Elite Member #5 Joined: May 30, 2009	mic spam music greatly increases the chance of being hit by a train. -sephiths law of lolgravetrain'd tc_hydro will always result in a stalemate %50 of the time most of the time. -sephiths theory of made up statistics complaining about teamstacking increases exponentially in relation to the amount of matching clan tags on the opposing team, regardless of player skill. -sephiths law of lolclantags for one team to win, the other team must loose, the former will not always be your team. -sephiths 1st law of take it like a man im sure ill come up with more



Eternal	Jun 8 2009, 02:36 PM Post #10
Posts: 59 Group: \|NG²\| Members Member #4 Joined: May 30, 2009	The level of skill of any clan is inversely proportional to the complexity of their tag. - Eternal's Lolclantags addendum. p.s. Sephith you failed by making the most common online spelling error: Loose = free from anything that binds or restrains; unfettered: loose cats prowling around in alleyways at night. Lose = to come to be without (something in one's possession or care), through accident, theft, etc., so that there is little or no prospect of recovery: I'm sure I've merely misplaced my hat, not lost it. Edited by Eternal, Jun 8 2009, 02:38 PM.



Sephith	Jun 8 2009, 07:15 PM Post #11
Posts: 64 Group: \|NG²\| Elite Member #5 Joined: May 30, 2009	i tend to type quickly without proofreading so slap the grammar cuffs on me if you must



1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)

Free Forums with no limits on posts or members. Learn More · Sign-up for Free
« Previous Topic · General Chat · Next Topic »